From your table etiquette and cellphone placement to how you order a meal, this is what waiters observe about you—and why it's important
This Is What Your Waiter First Notices About You
Updated on Feb. 14, 2025
How you walk to your table
“Hospitality professionals notice body language first,” White says. “Since it can be seen from a distance, it helps determine how to approach a person.” For example, if you stride quickly to your table, immediately open the menu and avoid eye contact, it signals that you prefer efficiency and minimal interaction. But if you leisurely make your way to your seat, take in your surroundings or exchange greetings with other diners or staff, you’re likely more outgoing and interested in a social dining experience.
Waiters are also paying close attention to your dining group as you approach. Are you alone, with a date or part of a large gathering? Solo diners may appreciate prompt service with minimal interruptions, while a couple on a date might prefer a slower pace to enjoy the conversation. Large, lively groups typically need more service overall—think multiple drink refills and food-sharing platters—but less individual attention. On the other hand, smaller parties, like families or close friends, might expect personalized recommendations or tailored service, such as drink-pairing suggestions for their meal choices.
Details like these help waiters, sommeliers and other restaurant professionals adjust their approach to provide the best experience for each guest. Whether it’s knowing when to deliver speedy service or recognizing when a diner might want to linger, these quick assessments happen before you even sit down.
Your body language at the table
After you’re seated, servers continue to watch for cues in your facial expressions, your posture and the tone of your conversations to assess your mood and comfort level. “This allows hospitality workers to adjust their service pace or how they approach future contact points with the table,” White explains.
For instance, if you’re fidgeting, glancing around or checking your watch, a server may recognize you’re in a rush and speed things up—offering quicker suggestions or prioritizing your order. Conversely, if you’re leaning back, smiling and enjoying long conversations, they’ll likely slow the service, letting you savor your experience without feeling rushed.
Your posture also reveals whether you’re an introvert (arms crossed, eyes cast downward) or an extrovert (open posture, relaxed shoulders, frequent eye contact). This can help them determine how much interaction you might want and figure out how to handle tricky situations. Case in point: If a guest appears frustrated—perhaps furrowing their brow or sighing softly—but doesn’t speak up about the issue, the server might step in quickly with solutions, like offering to remake a dish or check on a delayed order.
How you dress
What you wear can provide clues to the waitstaff about your mood and expectations. Casual clothes might signal a desire for a relaxed, low-pressure meal, while formal wear often indicates a special occasion or a more serious dining experience. Waiters use these subtle signals to adjust their tone and service style to match your expectations.
And while you might think they’re sizing you up to see if they might be getting a good tip, think again. “Trying to judge who will tip or not based on their clothes is wildly unpredictable,” says waiter Morgan Taylor. “I have had the shabbiest-dressed characters leave $100 bills, while the best-dressed have completely stiffed me.”
Where you put your phone
In a world where “pics or it didn’t happen” is the norm, phones have become an extension of dining habits. But the way customers handle their phones speaks volumes, says Katie Plowman, a server in Berkeley, California. “When I see people put their phone face up next to their plate, I think they are trying to multitask or work,” she explains. This can make your server move a little quicker and speak a little less, as they don’t want to interrupt if you’re busy.
But if you’re someone who props up the phone like a centerpiece—livestreaming, taking video or snapping hundreds of pics—it can really make your server change how they treat you. Your server may do the bare minimum or actively avoid your table because they may be leery of ending up in a viral video or don’t want to inadvertently mess up your shot.
Plus, says Plowman, “it makes me wonder, Are you really enjoying the experience of eating out? And are your companions enjoying eating with you?” Servers aren’t anti-phone, but dining etiquette still matters. Being present can make your experience—and their service—better for everyone.
If you split the check at the beginning
Your bill may not come until the end of the meal, but if the bill is going to be complicated, considerate diners will bring it up at the beginning, before they even begin ordering. This could mean things like letting the server know if there will be multiple checks, if everyone is chipping in to cover one person’s meal for a birthday, if you’re using a coupon or gift card or if you’re covering all the appetizers for the table.
Waiting until the very end to tell the waiter this information can make it harder for them to split the check correctly and can give them extra work, but letting them know what to expect at the top? “This is one of the things I appreciate most,” says Alexander Delmonico, a server based in Washington, D.C. “And it shows you’re the type of person to think about others’ needs—that you’re thoughtful and considerate.”
How you place your order
When it comes to ordering, there are three types of people—and each style says a lot about your inherent kindness and empathy, as well as what type of service you’ll need during your visit. “There are those who quickly order straight off the menu, those who want to hear the list of specials (possibly twice) and deliberate for a bit, and those who want their meal custom-prepared and will spend 30 minutes asking detailed questions,” Delmonico says. “The last group is maybe 5% of customers, but they take up 95% of my time. They’re also the most likely to send their food back.”
White adds that this is an etiquette faux pas. “Trying to create your own menu item can be wildly chaotic for a restaurant to accommodate, defeating the purpose of trying dishes in the way the restaurant has carefully constructed,” she says. “That said, if you have particular dietary considerations, call the restaurant in advance so that they can best accommodate your needs smoothly.”
Clear communication is key. Servers appreciate when customers take a moment to decide and ask thoughtful questions, but there’s no need to overcomplicate things.
How you interact with others at the table
A server’s people-watching radar is always on. They pick up on everything, especially how people interact with those at the table—how couples look at each other, how friends sit (side-by-side or across), how parents treat their children or whether they exhibit impolite restaurant behaviors in front of friends and family. This informs how your server will act.
For instance, Cohen likes to make sure children don’t fall through the cracks during adult meals. “Being a kid at heart, I love to play games and interact [with kids],” he says. “More often than not, the kids get ignored, but when I take care of my customers, I don’t ignore them, and in return, I get a nice tip out of it for listening to the child.”
He adds that you can tell a lot about a person’s personality from how they interact with others in a restaurant. “While I’m not a psychologist,” he says, “I’ve seen people who I’m pretty sure are narcissists or, at the very least, very selfish.” Some telltale signs he’s seen? Someone who insists on ordering for the whole table, makes fun of what someone else eats (or how they eat), dominates the conversation at the table, orders the waitstaff around like servants or is very demanding.
Your grasp of dining etiquette
Gone are the days when dining etiquette was all about knowing which fork to use. Today, etiquette is more flexible, but it still reflects how comfortable you are in a particular dining environment. A seasoned guest who instinctively knows which utensil to use might require little guidance, while someone nervously fidgeting with their silverware may feel out of place.
But servers aren’t there to judge you—they want to help. “I always notice right away when people are confused about table etiquette, and I’ll try to subtly help them out so they won’t feel embarrassed,” says Susie Lamer, a waitress at an upscale Atlanta eatery. “I get a lot of business clients who do big deals, and I’d hate for the deal to go south because they aren’t sure how to use a finger towel. I never knew that stuff until I worked here.”
If you’re unsure, just ask. Your server will appreciate it. “Someone dedicated to their craft is often ecstatic to share their knowledge and understanding with others,” White explains.
Clues about your interests
Connection is the name of the game in hospitality, and servers are only as good as their ability to find common ground with their customers, says Cohen. So they notice little things, like a jersey or hat of your favorite sports team, your hairstyle, whether you wear fancy shoes, jewelry with sayings and charms, and tattoos. Waiters are looking for commonalities and conversational openings for small talk.
“Conversation is key in this industry. If you can’t relate with your customer on something, whether it’s current events, a recent show or a sports team, the restaurant industry isn’t for you,” Cohen says. “If you can’t sell yourself, how can you sell the restaurant?”
How you treat hospitality workers
“I love working in service and hospitality, but you definitely meet some people who think they are inherently better than someone who is ‘just a waitress,'” says Lamer. This can show in the tone of voice used to speak to staff, if they say please and thank you, if they feel entitled to extras and whether they make eye contact.
“It’s not just how they treat me either,” she adds. “I can tell from the moment they walk in the door if they acknowledge the host politely or if they come in entitled.” How you treat bussers, cleaners, food runners and others in the restaurant industry says a lot about your character as a human being too. “A kind person will be kind to everyone,” she says, “not just to the person they think can get them stuff.”
And while you shouldn’t be kind just to get treated well, you will certainly have a higher likelihood of that happening when you are respectful of others.
If you’re dining out on a holiday
Holiday dining is often an emotional experience. If you’re choosing to dine out on a major holiday, there’s usually a deeper reason behind it. “These little details can offer a glimpse into your life, situation, mood and even religious beliefs,” Delmonico says.
For instance, if you arrive on Thanksgiving and seem upbeat, perhaps you’re the kind of person who simply prefers avoiding the stress of cooking (and cleaning up!) a large meal. But if you’re quiet and reflective, it could suggest you’re missing loved ones or feeling a sense of loss. Similarly, guests dining out on Christmas may not celebrate the holiday for religious or personal reasons. Servers might pick up on this if they notice you’re unfazed by festive decorations or decline holiday-themed menu items.
Recognizing these nuances allows hospitality professionals to provide a sensitive and thoughtful experience, White says. They may offer more personalized service, such as recommending familiar, comforting dishes to those who appear homesick or giving guests who don’t celebrate the holiday extra space to enjoy their meal without intrusive holiday fanfare.
Whether or not you notice your server
Some diners notice their server immediately and will talk to them right away. This shows an awareness of others and the environment. However, some diners don’t even notice their server when they arrive at the table. This isn’t always rude—it could be that they’re deeply engrossed in conversation, dealing with an emotional moment or even lost in thought. A couple having a tense discussion might not be ready to engage right away, while a family celebrating a milestone may be too wrapped up in the occasion to immediately acknowledge the server’s presence. However, if a table consistently ignores or dismisses their server, it can start to feel dehumanizing.
“Many people treat waitstaff as if we are invisible, so it’s always nice when I have a table that really sees me and treats me like a person,” Delmonico says. He recounts a moment that has stayed with him: “Once, I got a bloody nose out of nowhere, and a woman at the table jumped up to help me, giving me Kleenex from her purse. I still think about her and how much that meant to me, especially since it was such a gross situation.”
These small acts of kindness are memorable because they make a genuine human connection—showing you have a kind and empathetic heart and a level of humility, he explains.
If you’re trying to flirt
Waiters can often tell whether a guest is going to hit on them—a skill they learn to hone early in their career. Sometimes it’s OK, but more often, it’s a problem, even if your intentions are good. “Are you going to try to pick me up later when [your partner] goes to the bathroom?” McLeod asks. “I developed a serious radar for that and learned to deflect early.”
Some of the little things they learn to look for, according to Delmonico, are prolonged eye contact, jokes with innuendo, “accidental” touching and personal questions. “And of course, there are the less-subtle behaviors, like just saying it or writing your number on the receipt,” he says.
That said, don’t hit on people when they’re trying to work, especially if they work in hospitality. Their job is literally to be nice to you and make you feel comfortable, so don’t misinterpret that as flirtation.
Your willingness to speak up
In the age of “don’t be a Karen” memes, many diners fear saying anything negative, even if their meal isn’t right. “Sometimes, I’ll get people who just suffer through their meal because they’re afraid to say anything,” Delmonico says. “Maybe they don’t want to inconvenience me or they have some social anxiety, and I always feel so bad.”
No matter how or what you order, it’s the restaurant’s job to accommodate you as best as it can. Servers want you to have an enjoyable meal, but mistakes do happen, and you should feel comfortable speaking up. “You’re not ‘being a Karen.’ It’s our job to help you,” says Delmonico, adding that, in his experience, it’s younger people who are less likely to say something.
White adds that if you’re the type to feel socially anxious or self-conscious, know that the staff wants to help you. All you have to do? Follow the rules of good etiquette by asking them politely!
Additional reporting by Madeline Wahl.
Why trust us
Reader’s Digest has published hundreds of etiquette stories that help readers navigate communication in a changing world. We regularly cover topics such as the best messages to send for any occasion, polite habits that aren’t as polite as they seem, email and texting etiquette, business etiquette, tipping etiquette, travel etiquette and more. We’re committed to producing high-quality content by writers with expertise and experience in their field in consultation with relevant, qualified experts. We rely on reputable primary sources, including government and professional organizations and academic institutions as well as our writers’ personal experiences where appropriate. For this piece, Charlotte Hilton Andersen tapped her experience as a longtime journalist who specializes in etiquette and communication for Reader’s Digest. We verify all facts and data, back them with credible sourcing and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Stephanie White, director of education for the Auguste Escoffier School of Culinary Arts and an expert in dining etiquette; email interview, Jan. 30, 2025
- Jacob Cohen, waiter
- Katie Plowman, waiter
- Susie Lamer, waiter
- Alexander Delmonico, waiter
- Kristen McLeod, service industry representative
- Morgan Taylor, waiter
