These wisecracks and funny comments on marriage capture what it's like to tie the knot
38 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be True
Updated on Nov. 06, 2024
Funny marriage quotes
1. “Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.” —Mae West
2. “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” —Ogden Nash
3. “Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.” —John Wilmot
4. “I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.” —Cameron Esposito
5. “The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
6. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
7. “Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.” —Katharine Hepburn
8. “It’s wonderful to be married to an archaeologist — the older you get the more interested he is in you.” —Agatha Christie
9. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
10. “One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’” —Michelle Obama
Funny comments on marriage
11. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
12. “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”—Will Ferrell
13.“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” —Ogden Nash
14. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.” —Joyce Brothers
15. “Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.” —Elbert Hubbard
16. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’” —Unknown
17. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” —Rita Rudner
18. “The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
19. “Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.” —Eddie Cantor
20. “Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.” —Stephanie Ortiz
Funny lines on marriage
21. “A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.” —Dax Shepard
22. “I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
23. “Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’” —Conan O’Brien
24. “When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.” ―Helen Rowland
25. “My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.” —Joyce Brothers
26. “Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?” —Dennis Miller
27. “Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?” —Janet Periat
28. “I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.” —Unknown
29. “Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” —Kathy Mohnke
30. “If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” —Lily Tomlin
31. “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” —Jean Illsley Clarke
32. “Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.” —Janet Periat
33. “Marriage — An alliance between two people: One can’t sleep with the window shut; the other can’t sleep with the window open.”—Ogden Nash
34. “Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.” —Richard Pryor
35. “I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” —Wendy Liebman
36. “Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.” —Mickey Rooney
37. “When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.” —Richard Lewis
38. “Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.” —Unknown
Next, read on to celebrate your undying love with these hilarious happy anniversary memes.
Additional reporting by Beth Behr
Why trust us
At Reader’s Digest, we’ve been sharing our favorite quotes for over 100 years. The sayings and quips that appear in the magazine’s “Quotable Quotes” (formerly “Remarkable Remarks”) are curated from interviews and essays originally published in the magazine, reprints from trusted titles and other verified sources. For this piece on hope quotes, Emma Taubenfeld tapped her experience as a lifestyle editor for Reader’s Digest to ensure that all information is accurate. We’ve gone the extra step and had Stephanie L. Abramson, who has served as a research editor at the New York Times, Real Simple, Women’s Health, Time and more, verify that all quotes are attributed correctly and have credible sourcing. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
