Some bad jokes deserve only eye rolls and groans. But somehow, these manage to be truly funny.
171 Bad Jokes That You Can’t Help but Laugh At
If you’re American when you go in the bathroom …
… and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?
European.
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Dam.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A can’t opener!
What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?
…
Get it? Bad jokes don’t even need a punch line to be funny!
There are three types of people in the world:
Those who can count and those who can’t.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta-way.
Two muffins were sitting in an oven.
One turned to the other and said, “Wow, it’s pretty hot in here.” The other one shouted, “Wow, a talking muffin!”
I sold my vacuum the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
What is Forrest Gump’s email password?
1forrest1.
Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?
10,000 soles were lost. The police said some heels started it.
What’s the difference between a rabbit and a plum?
They’re both purple except for the rabbit.
Two windmills are standing on a wind farm.
One asks, “What’s your favorite type of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
I like elephants.
Everything else is irrelephant.
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
Two guys walk into a bar.
The third guy ducks.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
We have to admit, we love a good “What do you call?” joke.
Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?
For drizzle.
Did you hear the story about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed some space.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An in-vest-igator.
What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
Reality.
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar.
After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies. The man begins to walk out when the bartender stops him.
“Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!” the bartender yells out.
The man turns around: “It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it’d be a foot.
The wedding was so beautiful.
Even the cake was in tiers.
Why don’t dinosaurs talk?
Because they’re dead.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Get it?
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
What did the mime say to his audience?
Nothing. He stayed in character because he’s a professional.
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
“Supplies!”
What did the buffalo say when his son left?
“Bison!”
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
My new thesaurus is terrible.
Not only that, but it’s also terrible.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
Bob.
What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
“Oops!”
Three fish are in a tank.
One asks the others, “How do you drive this thing?”
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear.
What do you call a man who can’t stand?
Neil.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey …
… but then I turned myself around.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
Wife: “How do I look?”
Husband: “With your eyes.”
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Have you heard the rumor about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn’t be spreading it.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs.
I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals.
Sadly, no pun in ten did.
RIP, boiled water.
You will be mist.
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?
Phillipe Floppe.
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke?
Joke, joke, jooooooooooooooke.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries and Eminem.
I call it my trail mix.
What do you do if you see a fireman?
Put it out, man!
That’s a pretty good ceiling.
It’s not the best, but it’s up there!
I wrote a song about a tortilla.
Actually, it’s more of a wrap.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear?
Thunderwear.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s OK. He woke up.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Why do you never see pigs hiding in trees?
Because they’re pretty good at it.
You want to go down to the bar to hear that band called Duvet?
They’re a cover band.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear ...
… is sphere itself.
Name one fragrance commercial that has ever made sense.
What are you talking about? They all make scents!
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark Hives.
Where does the sheep go to get a haircut?
The baa baa shop.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
I hate Russian dolls.
They’re so full of themselves.
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter.
“That’s one too many!” says the customer. The clerk replies “It’s a freebie.”
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
You might not believe me, but I saw it with my own eyes.
I bought the newlyweds an elephant for their room.
They said, “Thank you.” I said, “Don’t mention it.”
A limbo champ walks into a bar.
He loses.
When the moon hits your knees, and you mispronounce trees …
Sycamore.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that social distancing measures could push people over the edge. I bet they are excited about flattening the curve, though.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
My wife just completed a 40-week bodybuilding program this morning.
It’s a girl and weighs 7 pounds, 12 ounces.
Why are there so many different kinds of pasta?
If I had a penne for every time I asked myself this question.
What did The Rock say when the waiter offered him a box for his leftovers?
“I’m not much of a boxer, but I’ll wrestle you for it.”
Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek–a-boo accident?
To the I.C.U.
Nurse: “Blood type?”
Dad: “Red.”
A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, “19! 19! 19! 19!” Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence.
Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting, “20! 20! 20!”
I went to a wedding where two satellite dishes got married.
The ceremony wasn’t great, but the reception was amazing.
What do you call a magician who lost their magic?
Ian.
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saurus.
I had a chip implanted in my body.
It was a Cool Ranch Dorito.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
We love this bad joke because it never grows old! (Sorry, we couldn’t help ourselves.)
To kill a French vampire, you need to drive a baguette through its heart.
Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking.
What do we want? Low-flying airplane noises! When do we want them?
NNNNNEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!
A weasel walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never seen a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
Today I gave my dead batteries away.
They were free of charge.
Why do ghosts love elevators?
It lifts their spirits.
Five guys walk into a bar.
You think one of them would’ve seen it.
Who are caterpillars’ biggest enemies?
Dogerpillars.
Why do fish live in saltwater?
Pepper makes them sneeze.
Why do you tell actors to break a leg?
Every play has a cast.
What do you call an empty can of Cheese Whiz?
Cheese Was.
Someone stole my mood ring.
I don’t know how I feel about that.
What kind of dogs love car racing?
Lap dogs.
Library patron: “Do you sell any books on paranoia?”
Librarian: “They’re right behind you!”
My favorite word is “drool.”
It just rolls off the tongue.
I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.
Do not read it.
What do you call birds who stick together?
Vel-crows.
I was sitting in traffic the other day.
Probably why I got run over.
I’m terrified of elevators ...
… so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
This library has two stories.
Can hardly call it a library.
I like to spend every day as if it’s my last.
Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.
Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs?
The cow’s got the udder.
How does your feline shop?
By reading a catalog.
What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
Satisfactory.
What do you call a dangerous sun shower?
A rain of terror.
What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a windshield?
Its butt.
What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
It gets toad.
I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation.
Never again.
Parallel lines have so much in common.
It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
“Robin, get in the car.”
I threw a boomerang a few years ago.
I now live in constant fear.
Why did the chicken marry the crocodile?
Because crocodooladoo is a good family name.
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.
My friend gave me his Epi–Pen as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Have you heard of Murphy’s Law? OK, but have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
When you look really closely ...
… all mirrors look like eyeballs.
Did you know Jesus drove a Honda but just didn’t talk about it?
John 12:49: “For I did not speak of my own accord.”
How do you talk to Italian ghosts?
With a Luigi board.
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.
Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other, “I need you to help me to get to the other side!”
The other guy shouts, “You are on the other side!”
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
Safety. Safety always comes first.
This is your captain speaking.
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
How do you get a squirrel to like you?
Act like a nut.
Which rock group has four guys who can’t sing or play instruments?
Mount Rushmore.
I bought a dog from a locksmith.
The second I got him in the house, he made a bolt for the door.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
Have you heard the one about the jump rope?
Never mind, skip it.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
What’s a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.
What did the swordfish say to the marlin?
“You’re lookin’ sharp.”
What kind of ghost has the best hearing?
The eeriest.
Where can you buy soup in bulk?
The stock market.
How do you stop a bull from charging?
Cancel its credit card.
What was the frog’s job at the hotel?
Bellhop.
Why are the Irish so wealthy?
Their capital is Dublin.
What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away?
A receding hare line.
What kind of shoes do robbers wear?
Sneakers.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.
Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.
What do you call banana peel shoes?
Slippers.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
Why were they called the Dark Ages?
There were lots of knights.
Want to hear a roof joke?
This one’s on the house.
What kind of pants does Mario wear?
Denim, denim, denim.
How does the squid go into battle?
Well-armed.
I broke my finger last week.
On the other hand, I’m OK.
You’re not completely useless.
You can always serve as a bad example.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows.
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Why trust us
Reader’s Digest has been telling jokes for more than 100 years, curated and reviewed over the last 20 years by Senior Features Editor Andy Simmons, a humor editor formerly of National Lampoon and the author of Now That’s Funny. We’ve earned prestigious ASME awards for our humor—including comical quips, pranks, puns, cartoons, one-liners, knock-knock jokes, riddles, memes, tweets and stories in laugh-out-loud magazine columns such as “Life in These United States,” “All in a Day’s Work,” “Laughter, the Best Medicine” and “Humor in Uniform,” as well as online collections such as short jokes, dad jokes and bad jokes so bad, they’re great. You can find a century of humor in our 2022 compendium, Reader’s Digest: Laughter, the Best Medicine. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
