When to Write Thank-You Notes: Etiquette Experts Weigh In

There are a lot of ways to express gratitude, but sometimes, just speaking the words isn’t enough. That’s where the handwritten thank-you note comes into play. According to Emilie Dulles, who has decades of experience in traditional etiquette, people should be sending more thank-you notes than ever before. With that in mind, we’re diving into when to write a thank-you note—and how.

With the help of Dulles and etiquette expert Bonnie Tsai, the founder and director of Beyond Etiquette, we’re covering everything from when to write a thank-you note to what to say, along with times when thank-you notes are unnecessary. Read on to learn the experts’ best tips before you pen your next thank-you message.

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When to write a thank-you note

Writing thank-yous may sound like outdated etiquette, but the experts agree: There are times when it’s an absolute must. Here’s when you need to write a thank-you note:

After a job interview

This should go without saying, but you should absolutely send a thank-you note after a job interview. Tsai says it’s important to express your gratitude, regardless of whether or not you landed the job, since your interviewer made time in their schedule to meet with you.

A thank-you note or email within 24 to 48 hours of your interview expresses your gratitude and interest in the position. And it just leaves a good impression on the employer.

After receiving gifts

You should send thank-you notes after receiving gifts for a birthday, wedding, graduation or holiday like Christmas, according to Tsai. “They took the time to find a gift that they believe you will enjoy. Therefore, it’s important to let them know how much you appreciate their effort and present,” she says.

Dulles adds that it’s a good idea to specifically mention the gift when writing a thank-you note and include a message about how much you like the item.

After someone writes a letter of recommendation

Writing a thank-you note for writing a letter might feel silly, but the goodwill will go a long way. If your professor or boss writes a letter of recommendation for you or helps you with an interview, a thank-you card is a good way to acknowledge your appreciation for their effort and support, Dulles says. The benefits of practicing gratitude and counting your blessings last long after sending this note.

After receiving condolence notes or gifts

Tsai says it’s important to send a note to everyone who sends you condolence notes, flowers or donations. It’s perfectly acceptable for a close friend or relative to write the thank-you notes during a difficult time.

After being a houseguest

If you’ve ever hosted friends or family from out of town, you know how hard it is to prep and host even those you love most. So it’s good houseguest etiquette to take the time to write a thank-you note when you are a guest at their place. Again, your host or hostess made an effort to prepare their home for your stay, so it’s good to recognize their generosity, Tsai says.

After a dinner party

Hosting a dinner party takes lots of planning, preparation and effort. Sending a thank-you note is a nice reminder for the host that the dinner party was fun and you appreciate their hosting and planning skills, according to Tsai. Alternatively, you could show your appreciation by bringing a hostess gift in lieu of a thank-you card.

After someone does you a favor

Thank-you notes aren’t just for special occasions or big gifts. Show that you recognize the little things with a handwritten note. Thank-you notes after an act of kindness, generosity or favor are always a good idea, Dulles says.“For example, if your neighbors water your plants while you are on vacation, a thank-you note should be sent to recognize the time it took them to help,” Dulles says. In this age of emails and texts, taking the time to pen a handwritten thank-you note will make a lasting impression.

After a major life change

Thank-you note etiquette dictates that you should send a thank-you note to those who help you out when you’re going through a major life change, such as a divorce, graduation, wedding or promotion. People tend to forget to send thank-you notes while going through changes because of extra responsibilities and obligations.

It’s during those seasons of change, however, that family, friends and colleagues step up through acts of kindness. Writing thank-you notes recognizes their support and is a therapeutic way to acknowledge the encouragement from others, according to Dulles. Saying “thank-you” is a simple way to strengthen a relationship.

How to write a thank-you card

writing thank you note Carlina Teteris/Getty Images

Thank-you notes don’t have to be overly long or complicated, Dulles says. Aim for a personal and heartfelt tone that fits the occasion and recipient.

1. Address the recipient based on your relationship

Address friends and family by their first names, but use Mr., Mrs. or Ms. for an interviewer or potential employer, Tsai says

2. Acknowledge what you are thanking them for

Your message should clearly state the reason for the thank-you note. This line should be a specific reference to the gift or service since it’s your reason for writing the letter.

3. Mention how you plan to use or display the gift

This is your chance to explain how the item is meaningful. Adding a personal touch makes the note feel more sincere. So you might write, “Thank you so much for the noise-canceling headphones you gave me for my birthday! Not only are they super comfortable, but they block sound so well. Right now, I can’t even hear my kid practicing the oboe. Win!”

4. Close the letter with warm words about the person

The end of the note is your chance to add more personal elements and warm words about the gift giver, specifically. Tsai recommends referencing something in the future with them. For example, “I look forward to having you over for dinner after we are back from our honeymoon.”

When not to send a thank-you note

Although thank-you notes are a powerful way to show gratitude, there are also times when it is not necessary to send a thank-you note. Don’t worry about sending thank-you notes if someone picks up a bar tab or your neighbor tosses your newspaper on your front step, Dulles says. And if you receive a thank-you note from someone, you don’t have to send one in return.

Being aware of when not to send a thank-you note can be time-saving and enable you to focus your efforts on the moments that matter most. If you’re questioning whether or not to send a thank-you note, consider this: Thank-you notes might have been the norm a couple of decades ago, but nowadays, they’re not mandatory in most situations. Instead, they’re a secret weapon for a person who wants to be remembered, supported and favored, Dulles says.

They show that you recognize, care and appreciate someone else. It’s never a bad idea to give someone that simple acknowledgment.

FAQs

Is it OK to send a thank-you email instead of a handwritten note?

Yes, a thank-you email is fine, especially for professional situations where you probably don’t have that person’s mailing address.

However, with close family and friends, a handwritten thank-you note is the way to go. It’s more personal and shows your loved one how much you care and appreciate them.

When is it too late to send a thank-you note?

While it’s best to send thank-you letters promptly—ideally within a week or two—it’s never too late to thank someone. There’s no specific thank-you note timeline you have to follow. If a significant period of time has elapsed, mention the delay in your letter. For example, you might say, “My gratitude may be arriving belatedly, but trust me: My thanks is 100% sincere.”

Remember, it’s better late than never. Most people will appreciate your thanks whenever you send it.

Do I send thank-you cards for presents I got when I asked for no gifts?

Yes, despite requesting no gifts, it is proper to send thank-you notes to those who brought you gifts. A simple note that acknowledges their generosity and thoughtfulness is enough to do the trick.

About the experts

Bonnie Tsai is the founder and director of Beyond Etiquette, a company that provides coaching and courses on modern international etiquette. She studied international etiquette and diplomatic protocol at Institut Villa Pierrefeu, a Swiss finishing school.
Emilie Dulles is a traditional etiquette and contemporary protocol expert with decades of experience. The owner and operator of Dulles Designs, she has been featured in the New York Times, the Washington Post and Yahoo! Finance, among other publications.

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