Can you guess which one it is?
Here’s Why You Might Not See This Common Wedding Tradition at the Next Ceremony You Attend
Published on Apr. 29, 2025
When my husband and I got married, we chose to include a moment that was a little different from a traditional wedding. It was perfect for us, but we got some vocal pushback from family and friends. But as it turns out, we were (way) ahead of a trend. According to a new survey from Zola, a wedding planning site, more and more couples are now making the same choice in 2025—and changing one of the most common wedding traditions.
“I personally want to do this at our wedding. It feels much more comfortable and true to my personality,” says Becca, a bride planning a July 2025 wedding. “It would take away a lot of my stress about the ceremony.”
Her fiancé Neal, however, is not convinced. “This tradition IS the wedding! It’s what people are actually coming to see. It doesn’t feel like a real wedding without it—and it’s the cute part! It’s what will make my mom cry.”
Despite the big day being just two months away, they haven’t reached a decision. So what’s the controversial tradition Neal and Becca can’t agree on? (Hint: It involves fewer public tears.) Read on to find out, plus learn why it’s happening, get some wedding etiquette about how to handle it if you want to do this at your wedding and what to do if you encounter it as a wedding guest.
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Which wedding tradition is disappearing from weddings?
Believe it or not, it’s couples exchanging wedding vows during the ceremony.
Picture it: You’re at a wedding. The flowers are stunning, the bride has walked down the aisle and the couple is standing up front and then … nothing. No vows. No tearful promises. No “I will always love you, even when you eat crackers in bed” or even a small “I do.” Just the officiant announcing, “They’ve already exchanged their vows privately.”
Welcome to the latest wedding trend: private vow exchanges. Instead of baring their souls in front of 200 of their nearest and dearest (plus some random work friends), couples are choosing to say their most heartfelt promises somewhere else—in a side room, a garden nook, a pre-ceremony meeting or even in total silence while reading each other’s vows in front of everyone.
Why are couples choosing private vows?
According to the Zola survey, “Couples want to party with their guests. But they also deeply cherish the special moment of exchanging vows, and want that moment to be intimate.”
Etiquette expert Jan Goss, founder of Show Up Well Consulting, says she’s seeing more and more of this trend. “It’s really about this desire for more authenticity,” she explains. “It’s about having a heartfelt connection when making vows rather than doing them for show.”
For Becca, it’s personal: “For shy people like me who don’t like to be the center of attention, standing up and saying vows is really nerve-racking. It makes my wedding feel stressful, not fun or beautiful. The importance of the vows is that you make them, not that you do it in front of people. “
There are some common reasons couples opt for a private or silent vow ceremony, according to Goss.
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It helps people who freeze in the spotlight. Not everyone dreams of sobbing through “I promise to always unclog the shower drain” into a microphone.
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It increases intimacy. It’s easier to be vulnerable when you’re not worried about your opinionated cousin judging every word.
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It avoids stage fright. Vows are often considered the centerpiece of the ceremony—and that’s a lot of pressure.
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It’s easier to record. Venue noise, crying babies (or, heaven forbid, someone shouting “I OBJECT!”) can wreck a recording. Private vows can be done quietly—and repeated if needed.
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It’s a religious tradition. In some faiths, it’s customary to exchange vows privately with just close family, then celebrate publicly later.
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It feels more special. Exchanging vows privately highlights their importance instead of making them just one more box to check between the walking down the aisle and having dinner.
Is a marriage legally binding if you don’t say your vows in front of an officiant?
Good news: Yes, your marriage is still legally valid even if you skip public vows … with a few legal caveats. Every state requires a marriage license issued by the government. Most states also require a “declaration of intent”—basically, a simple “I do” or verbal agreement—but there’s no required script. Some states also require a third-party witness, although a few allow for self-solemnizing ceremonies.
In short: Private, whispered or shouted, your vows count, as long as you submit the proper paperwork.
What should you say in private vows?
When you don’t have to worry about Great Aunt Helen loudly asking if you’re pregnant based on how emotional you’re getting (I have actually heard that at a wedding), you can really let your feelings out. Goss says there are no hard-and-fast rules as to what you should say, but your private vows can include:
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Your consent to marry. This is the most important part (and the only legal requirement). “I do,” “Yes,” or even “Heck yes!” all work.
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Promises for the future. Whether it’s “Till death do us part” or “I promise to pretend your fantasy football league matters.”
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Inside jokes. Personal touches make private vows feel even more special.
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Future dreams. Talk about the life you want to build together.
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Expressions of love. This is your chance to tell them exactly what you love about them.
To craft your own private vows, Goss recommends keeping things honest and specific, as well as balancing sentimentality with a little humor. Let your personality shine through—remember, your spouse to be fell in love with you for who you are! That said, make sure to both write down your vows and practice them if you’ll be saying them aloud, even just to your love; nerves can get the best of even the best public speaker in an emotional situation like this!
Should you use AI to write wedding vows?
Writing vows can be stressful, which is why so many people opt for set phrases. However, the Zola survey found that couples are increasingly using AI to help them craft the perfect vows; 51% of couples said they are OK with it, while 49% of couples are not.
This isn’t a trend that Goss loves. “This is a chance to be really personal with your husband or wife,” she says, “so I think it’s better to share what’s really in your heart, even if it’s not ‘perfect’—especially if it’s not perfect!” She adds that the time you take writing the vows is part of what makes them meaningful. AI shortcuts don’t show a lot of care.
Should you tell guests you’re doing private vows?
“It’s not necessary to put it on the wedding invitation, but if you are worried people are going to be upset about it, it’s OK to let those close to you know beforehand,” Goss says.
There are no set wedding etiquette rules for exactly how to handle this, but Goss recommends letting your wedding officiant (if you have one) handle it. This can be something as simple as having them say: “The couple exchanged their vows previously in a private ceremony, and you are so important to them that they have invited you here to celebrate with them.”
Alternatively, if you’re already married before the wedding, you can alter the wording on the invitation to call it a “wedding reception” or “celebration of the couple,” which can subtly let guests know you’ve already tied the knot.
How do guests feel about this trend?
Some people will feel like Neal does—that the “I do’s” are the centerpiece of the wedding—and may feel sad or let down because they didn’t get to see them. Some may even feel personally excluded and offended. Becca predicts both her family, as well as Neal’s, will “definitely have strong feelings about it.”
However, says Goss, “those are feelings for the guest to handle privately. A guest’s job is to show up, smile and celebrate the couple’s choices—from the vows to the cake. It’s the couple’s day, not theirs.”
That said, most folks will be happy for the couple, even if they are a little surprised. Many may even appreciate it. Public personal vows can get too long or veer into TMI territory fast. At the end of the day, most guests are just there to support you, eat cake and dance badly, not to silently judge your poetry skills.
Are private vows OK from an etiquette standpoint?
Absolutely. “Weddings evolve over time, and traditions change,” Goss says. As long as your ceremony still feels complete (and you don’t spring total silence on everyone without warning), your guests will be just fine.
“Saying your vows privately isn’t just OK—it might just make your wedding feel even more special,” she adds. And bonus: No one has to hear you try to be profound by rhyming “lovin'” with “oven.”
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Sources:
- Zola: “2025 Wedding Trends: Zola’s First Look Report”
- Jan Goss, CEO and founder of Show Up Well Consulting and author of Protocol Power; phone interview, April 28, 2025
- Becca and Neal, engaged couple in Colorado; in-person interview, April 28, 2025
