Avoid This Common Texting Behavior for Better Relationships

Actual text I recently got from my teen daughter: “nooooi those dotty bits on eyelids lowk annoyinghagsh n can you get calrisuns or smth.” All I’d asked was if she needed anything from the store, specifically more mascara, and I got … whatever that is … in reply. It definitely left me feeling some things—mostly worry. Is my 15-year-old speaking English? Is she really this bad at spelling? Am I having a stroke? A recent study found that I’m not the only one having some big feelings about this particular type of text.

Texting is supposed to make communication easier, but if you’ve ever stared at your screen—wondering why someone didn’t respond, why your message came off the wrong way or what they’re really trying to say—and felt like it’s actually making your life harder, you’re so not alone.

And it turns out, according to a set of experiments and surveys published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology, there’s one super common texting habit that quietly drives people away. My daughter does it. You probably do it. Let’s be honest, most of us do.

But what is it? We talked to David Fang, the lead author of the research and a PhD student in marketing at Stanford, to find out what it is, what phone etiquette you need to know and what you should do instead.

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What common texting mistake is more problematic than you might think?

Surprise: It’s using texting abbreviations. LOL. Those tiny time-savers like “k,” “thx,” “wut” and “idk” might seem harmless, but they’re doing more damage to your relationships than you think.

“The use of shortcuts might unconsciously [make the receiver] feel like the other person is putting in less effort, which could create a little emotional distance and make them seem less sincere,” Fang says, adding that this rude habit can make people less likely to reply.

It’s true: That “hbu” could be costing you a connection.

How did researchers determine this?

Fang and his fellow researchers ran eight separate studies involving more than 5,300 participants. They looked at their texting behavior through a variety of methods—controlled lab experiments, online surveys, field experiments on apps like Discord and Tinder, and even interactive speed dating.

The goal was to find out if texting abbreviations (like “hru?” instead of “how are you?”) affect how sincere someone seems and whether or not they get a response.

Participants were asked to read texts and rate the sender’s sincerity, compose responses to abbreviated vs. full-text messages, share their own texting habits and react to messages in real-time speed dating and social apps.

In the first setup, people read mock text conversations—some using abbreviations, some not—and rated how sincere the sender seemed and whether they’d respond. In the next phase, they had to reply to those texts. And guess what? People wrote shorter, lower-effort responses to abbreviation users.

By the eighth study, things got real. Researchers analyzed more than 200,000 flirty messages from 686 users on Tinder. The results held up: The more abbreviations a person used, the shorter their average conversations were. People simply didn’t want to keep talking. And it wasn’t about being confused, as 95% of participants said they understood the abbreviations.

How do these types of texting abbreviations affect different relationships?

You might think that abbreviations make you seem chatty and close—part of a group with its own language—so it would be good to use them with close friends or loved ones. Not so, Fang says.

“Our studies found that relationship closeness didn’t really buffer the impact. Even when participants imagined texting someone they were very close to, abbreviations still made the sender seem less sincere and reduced the likelihood of getting a reply,” Fang says. “Across our studies, it seems that no matter who you’re texting—friend, colleague or crush—taking the time to type things out fully signals more care and investment in the conversation.”

What about age? Should you use texting abbreviations with your friends but not your grandparents? It turns out the generations aren’t as different as you might think. “We found that the effect persisted even after accounting for participants’ age, texting habits and familiarity with texting shortcuts,” Fang says. “So, while younger texters, like Gen Z and millennials, may be more fluent in using abbreviations, the social penalty for using them—appearing less sincere—seems surprisingly universal.”

Basically, all people across the board, regardless of age, consistently interpreted abbreviated texts as showing less effort, which made senders seem less sincere, not more casual or friendly. This made people less eager to reply.

What’s a more effective way to text for better relationships?

TERO VESALAINEN/GETTY IMAGES

Perhaps the scariest part is how many of us do this and don’t realize what’s happening. In a post-study test, only 15.8% of people correctly guessed that abbreviations make messages feel less sincere. Most thought they didn’t matter much.

“If you’re hoping to come across as sincere, or if the relationship matters—say, reaching out to a new friend or following up with a colleague—spelling things out fully might go a long way,” Fang says.

That said, you don’t need to write formal essays over text. Being just a little more thoughtful goes a long way. Use these texting tips from Fang:

• Spell out the first message in a conversation (especially when texting someone new).

• Avoid using abbreviations in emotionally meaningful texts.

• Use exclamation marks, emojis or humor to show warmth.

• Ask clarifying questions if you don’t know what the sender is trying to say.

• Match the other person’s tone.

• Use basic punctuation, and check your spelling and grammar. (You don’t have to be Emily Post—your phone will fix most of this for you!)

What should you do if you encounter a chronic texting abbreviator?

Don’t take it personally. “For many texters, abbreviations are just a habitual part of how they communicate, not a deliberate sign of disinterest,” Fang says. He adds that you shouldn’t correct them or try to change their behavior, since that can create tension.

You can also look at the larger picture of their texts to put them in context. Reply speed, message length, the warmth of the message’s overall tone, and whether they follow up in other ways (e-mails, calls, in-person conversations) should be just as important in interpreting their texts.

Lastly, be a good texting example. “Often, the other person will naturally mirror your style without any awkward confrontation,” Fang says.

When is it OK to use texting abbreviations?

“Texting shortcuts themselves aren’t ‘bad.’ They’re just quick tools,” Fangs says, adding that he uses them himself sometimes. “It’s less about banning abbreviations altogether and more about choosing when to use them strategically.”

When are those times? Any time brevity and efficiency in giving information matter more than relational building, he says. For instance, when texting a delivery driver, using abbreviations might make more sense.

And I suppose that brevity is what my daughter was going for (and she already feels secure in our relationship), so I was able to put her text in perspective. I skipped the mascara but grabbed her a case of Capri Suns. Or smth (something).

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Sources:

• David Fang, lead author of the research and a PhD student in marketing at Stanford; phone interview, April 29, 2025
• Journal of Experimental Psychology: “Shortcuts to Insincerity: Texting Abbreviations Seem Insincere and Not Worth Answering”

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